Annotated Transcript of Coulter’s set at the Roast of Rob Lowe

[This transcript of Coulter’s roast speech includes bracketed annotations.]

“Welcome to the Ann Coulter Roast with Rob Lowe.”

annotated-transcript-of-coulters-set-at-the-roast-of-rob-lowe

“I’m so overwhelmed with the love in this room tonight. I can’t thank you enough. It’s really something.”

[Following her clever opening sentence, Coulter’s petulant sarcasm expressed a you’re so mean to me attitude. Coulter is prone to crying “victim” when she is often the victimizer.]

“I’m not a comedienne, which is why, you can imagine, I often get mistaken for Nikki Glaser.”

[Actually, Coulter considers herself the ultimate comedienne. She likens herself to H.L. Mencken and Mark Twain. Her speeches are often a series of punchlines and she discards substantive material in favor of jokes in her columns. Some of her closest friend are comics, a milieu she cherishes.]

“I’m only here tonight because of all the love and respect I have for Rob Lowe and all these fabulous and talented performers tonight. It has nothing to do with this being the next stop on my press junket for the book I’ve just published four days ago, In Trump We Trust: E Pluribus Awesome – Pause for boos. Oh, wait, I wasn’t supposed to read that – available at fine bookstores everywhere. I know it’s pretty shameless, but I’m on stage with a guy who made two ‘Joe Dirt’ films, so how shameless can I be.”

[The first of two “shameless” book promotions, Coulter failed to grasp the nature of the roast format and to distinguish it from a celebrity talk show.]

“As a right-wing hatemonger, it’s fantastic to be at a big Hollywood shindig with all these glittering celebrities that isn’t a fundraiser for Obama. I’m hoping to persuade you all to vote for Trump but most of all I want you, David [Spade], because it would prove the media is lying when they say there, say that Trump won’t get the vote of a single Spade.”

[Someone as race-obsessed as Ann should avoid using the term “spade” in such a context.]

“David is the perfect toastmaster for the show. He’s successful enough that everyone knows who he is but not so successful that he makes us feel threatened. He’s like the Mike Pence of comedy.”

[That Coulter thinks people are naturally threatened by successful people suggests she has a warped perspective on what success entails. Milquetoast Mike Pence? But she doesn’t like him.]

“A lot of people don’t realize that David’s sister is famous designer Kate Spade. Judging by your outfit, David, I gather you’re not speaking.”

“Why is Jeff Ross at every roast? He thinks he deserves it and everyone else just goes along with it? He’s like Hillary Clinton.”

“Actually, to be fair, if I could get just one person here to vote for Trump, it would be you, Ralph. People would be so surprised. I’d go up and say, ‘I got Ralph Macchio. He’s voting for Donald Trump.’ And they’d say, ‘Oh, oh, what a shock. Ralph is still alive?’ Just kidding. You look totally fantastic. It’s unbelievable, Ralph. Can you believe this guy’s like 54? He looks incredible. Whatever you’ve been drinking, you gotta send a few cases to Hillary.”

[Why emphasis Ralph’s age and “incredible” looks? Is Ann trying to convince others – and herself – that she looks incredible at 54?]

“We have British comedian Jimmy Carr with us because of Obama’s lax immigration policies.”

[But Coulter favors white immigrants from Britain. She wants to restore a WASP – White Anglo-Saxon – America. Oh, that’s right, Carr is a liberal.]

“I must admit I’m a little uncomfortable with not only the mean jokes but the raw sexual commentary that’s so popular at these roasts. I mean, apparently female comics have to be dirty to expand their fan base. Thank God you didn’t have to go there, Nikki.”

[Uncomfortable? Coulter is the queen of mean jokes and deliberately offensive. Moreover, the “raw sexual commentary” directed at her and others is no worse than the humor employed by some of her comedic friends.]

“If you’ve ever asked yourself, ‘Who do I have to screw to get a TV show in Hollywood?’ Nikki has the actual list.”

“I’m honored to share this stage with a patriot, Rob Riggle. Thank you for your service. You were a marine for over 20 years. You’ve seen things no man should have seen, including The Daily Show with Trever Noah.”

“Peyton Manning, I applaud your conservative convictions. I know you’re a big supporter of Jeb Bush. That’s a political contribution that will pay handsomely. Jeb got four delegates, which makes me laugh harder than any of the jokes tonight.”

“I once thought Pete Davidson was just like Obama, a biracial goofball who ruined a once-beloved institution. But it turns out I was wrong. Pete’s not biracial.”

[Race-obsessed Ann has been fixated on biracial Obama since his first inauguration. As an emerging leader of the alt-Right, Coulter has some distinctly flawed views on all things racial.]

“And now for the man of the hour [interrupted by applause], the man of the hour – the one hour left in his career – Rob Lowe. I’m a big fan of Rob Lowe’s work, especially, of course, the tapes, threesome. To this day, that remains the most authentic performance I have ever seen at a Democratic National Convention.”

“Rob was on the West Wing where he managed the impossible task of being the most insufferable part of an Aaron Sorkin show. A few years ago, there was talk of Rob Lowe replacing Charlie Sheen and the government was deciding who to give AIDS to next. Rob’s last show was called The Grinder. Hard to believe that a TV show named after a gay dating app wouldn’t be a huge hit.”

“I know some of you are saying I did this only to promote my book, In Trump We Trust: E Pluribus Awesome, available at bookstores everywhere, including the Barnes & Noble where Ralph Macchio works.”

[Second self-serving book promotion. How gauche!]

“We all do what we do. Writers write. Actors act. And Rob Lowe. What does he do? The truth is, Rob Lowe does a job that most Americans just won’t do – he plays Rob Lowe. It’s a thankless job but we’re all so grateful that you do it, Rob. Thank you.”

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